silent screams and empty dreams
by revolution rae
Summary: you're broken, baby, and we all can see it. A Lily Evans collection of FreeVerse, monologues, drabbles, and other socially unacceptable genres.
1. not anymore

**Disclaimer: It belongs to JKR.**

* * *

**sh a t t ere d**

and he doesn't see it

he just sees your thick red hair

your emerald eyes.

does anyone see it? the way your s/m/i/l/e

is chipping away _ever so slowly_.

X

gryffindors aren't supposed to _hurt_

gryffindors aren't supposed to have _dead parents_

gryffindors aren't supposed to want to _die_

X

aren't you just the **brave one**, baby,

that girl everyone looks at and says

_poor girl. poor girl. so strong. so sorry. could have been._

X

you could have been, sweetie, you could have been.

and now you **can't.**


	2. forever

**Disclaimer: NOT MINE.**

* * *

I remember the way your eyes looked when you were angry at me, all hard and icy and sharp, like daggers. Of course, _angry_ isn't really the word for it. More like _furious._ Or maybe _enraged_. You never did anything halfway, Lily. You were so alive... I wanted to keep you that way. You were someone I couldn't understand, and yet I didn't care. It was like, just being around you, that was enough. The fact that you gave me the time of day... I can't believe I lost you. Bloody Potter stole you from me and I never had a chance. He poisoned you against me. He was never good enough for you, what did you see in him? He's the one who got you killed. If it wasn't for him you'd be here with me, we could have been happy together forever.

Never mind. Who am I kidding? I had nothing to offer you except time, and you never cared about that. Years didn't matter to you, that's why we didn't last as friends. I wanted to survive. You wanted to make a difference for whoever came after us. Your kids, since I never wanted any. I knew then and I know now that I'd be just like my father and my kids would hate me, would dream about killing me. You always tried to convince me otherwise. _You're not like him, Sev,_ you'd say. _You're so much braver. You care. He doesn't_. And I'd shake my head and push you away and change the subject. And you'd be all offended for an hour or two while I fumbled along, trying to make you love me.

And that was a waste of time. You're not - I mean, you weren't the kind of girl who fell in love with a friend. You had a thing for guys who would try to tame you. I never wanted to do that. I wanted your passion, I needed your spirit. James Potter only ever wanted to crush that, make you his beautiful wife, he wanted you to be a stereotype.

The worst thing, Lily, is that I fucked it up a second time, too. And I'm sorry. But I just couldn't let it go, I couldn't forgive you for hurting me like that when we were in fifth year. And that was such a stupid way for me to be. You came to me. _You_ came to _me_ and I denied your offer of friendship and I wasn't even careful about it. _Get the fuck away from me_, _Mudblood_. That's what I said. I looked at the gray streaks in your hair and thought, _he did this to you. Twenty years old, and you look and feel ancient_. Even then, after so long, I could see how you were hurting. I could see how different you were. And I knew that even if I could save you the first time, you'd die soon enough anyway. You couldn't survive much longer. You were never meant for this world, Lily Ann Evans, but I didn't want to accept it and I tried to change it and that backfired.

And so now I'm standing where you should have been buried. Not Godric's Hollow, that wasn't your home. Not Hogwarts, you didn't belong there either. And I'm not even being selfish enough to say that you should have been buried near where we met, because that wasn't enough for you, either.

I'm by the ocean, Lily. Where you always said you wanted to go. You hated being still. You were the most restless person I ever knew. You always said it. _I hate being here. It's so closed, Sev. I want to be somewhere I can be alive. Somewhere real._ But they never knew that about you, because you hid that from everyone. You never wanted to tell them who you were. You told them about the girl you wanted to be and pretended that was you. So they didn't cremate you, they didn't scatter you to the wind and water the way they should have. So you could be part of everything. So you could be real.

And I'm contemplating throwing myself into the water so I can die the way I should. But I'm too much of a coward, just like you always saw, the way you saw everything about me. I was never good enough for you and you saw that too. But I still loved you from the time I was eleven years old and you blew off James Potter for me.

I still do. I'll always love you, Lily. Forever.


	3. that evans girl

**James Potter**

_James Potter_

**_J/a/m/e/s P/o/t/t/e/r_**

something about him makes you breathe

even while you're b r e a k i n g

he's a risk, he's a chance

he's **dangerous** and you,

you have _always_ liked dangerous...

XxX

he whispers electric words in your ear,

brushes his calloused hands across your skin

people watch you, when you're with him

it used to be, you were just That Evans Girl

**_isn't she the one? yeah i think..._**

**_i think maybe her parents died_**

XxX

but with **James Potter**

you're _somebody_

you can almost forget the future


	4. broken

**Disclaimer: NOT MINE.**

* * *

and really it doesn't even **hurt,** darling, does it? cause you've got everything they told you to want. you've got the _hair_, the _eyes_, you've even got the _mind_. and most of all you've got the boy, and he's so in love with you he just can't get enough of you. and yeah, it's a little **smothering **at times, and maybe you get a little tired of him _(sofreakingexhausted)_ and maybe sometimes you want a little s p a c e but it's only cause he _loves_ you. you're not supposed to want time away from your **soulmate. **and you do, you hate that you're not allowed to be alone anymore. cause if you're ever alone with someone else... you're just another **traitor **who never cared anyway. and so you have to beg and plead and explain and hope to merlin that he understands. and despite the way he **doesn't** trust you, despite the way he needs to **own **you, sometimes you feel like maybe you're just another b o d y to him, someone to (hold) and (kiss) and (compliment); like maybe if there was another girl who had **fire-hair** and **ice-eyes **he'd never notice the difference. and you know it's s/e/l/f/i/s/h to care _(you're not stupid) _but you just can't help it, when he's squeezing you under the starry sky you feel like he can't even see you, his eyes are glazed over and he's seeing lilyevans/babygirl instead of **you** and it's such a crucial difference, it's hardly even there but if he can't see it then who can? he's supposed to know **all **of you but there are times when you're with him there you think he's gonna b l o w you away with one loud b r e a t h and he doesn't even notice. and maybe you don't anymore either. cause what's the point in fixing him _if you're not broken, too?_


	5. inappropriate

**unbreakable**

**unbreathable**

**touching/burning/panting**

**s l u t**

**they'd say it if they saw you**

**only seventeen and touching him there**

_**[herebabygirlhere]**_

_**[here, here]**_

**but you like it, like it**

**the way he makes you feel**

**almost like you're on the edge**

**almost like you're flying/falling**

**crashing and crashing and crashing**

**and unstoppable**

**and you don't know if it's love**

**but he calls you baby**


	6. little girl

**Disclaimer: It belongs to JKR.**

* * *

&_really, _she never was allowed to grow up

she's still only just a

little girl,

just such a

_l i t t l e g i r l ._

but her hair is turning gray

and her hearing is sharper _[or maybe she's just listening harder]_

and when she dares to walk down the street

and sees the people she used to share something with

she has to hide her face

cause she can hear them only too well

XxX

**("what a shame isn't it? she used to be so beautiful")**

**("maybe she shouldn't have married him after all")**

**("i always knew she was asking for trouble")**

**("and look at her eyes")**

XxX

and she wants to scream it at them,

**s c r e a m **it at them

_("but you used to be my friend")_

XxX

_**("but look at her eyes")**_


	7. regular day

"I _hate_ you!" Lily screams at him, her voice cracking at the very end. Her fingers tighten on her wand and she brandishes it recklessly. A vase explodes next to him and ceramic shards hit his face, narrowly missing his hazel eyes. "How could you? I _trusted_ you!"

He's breathing just as hard as she is, his eyes are just as dangerous. "How could _I_? What the bloody hell are you talking about? _You're_ the one who got yourself pregnant when we're in the middle of a bloody war!" He waves his wand and a photograph of the two of them flies off the wall, hitting the floor face down.

"_I _got _myself_ pregnant? Last time I checked it takes two people to fuck, James Potter!" she retorts. "And _you're_ the one who keeps running the hell away!" Using magic no longer can satisfy her anger, and she grabs an ornament off the shelf and throws it at him as hard as she can.

James dodges it and begins pacing. "I'm not running away, you just want me around all the time!"

"As if! You don't give me enough room as it is! But I'm _pregnant_, James, it would be nice if you would spend a few nights at home during the week instead of off playing with your bloody friends!" she shouts.

"What the hell do you want from me?"

"I want you to do things right! I want you to be my fiance, not my best friend! I want you to be a dad when he comes, not a friend!"

He lets out a growl of anger and kicks the wall. "I _am_ being your fiance! But when you act like this, what do you expect, Lily? Love and kisses? I need time with them, too, I'm not just yours!"

"You're not just theirs, either!" She flings another ornament at him. "And Peter told me what you said!"

"What did I say this time that's so godawful, Lily? What this time?"

"That I'm an _'annoying bitch,' _was it, who 'can't get along without you for five minutes?' Yeah, that sounds about right!" Her red hair flies loose from its ponytail as she throws a vase at him.

"I said that _once_, one time! I was angry! You complain to Sirius and Marlene about me! Hypocrite!" Now he's throwing things too. A book just misses Lily, and she gasps in surprise.

"You bastard! That would have hurt!"

"Oh, as if you never throw things at me?" He points at the paperweight in her hand, all of a sudden amused. "That wouldn't hurt me?"

She pauses and puts it down, instead choosing a pillow from the shabby sofa. "Is this any better?" She is still angry, but it's no longer lethal.

"Yeah, that'll do. I probably deserve that one." He spreads his arms out, presenting an easy target, but she replaces the pillow. "What? Not angry anymore?"

She sighs and goes to him, and he wraps his arms around her. "Of course I'm still angry, James, I'm _always_ angry. But I overreacted. I _do_ complain about you to Sirius and Marlene. You obviously are allowed to also."

He laughs. The tension in the room subsides. "Yeah. I could probably be around more. But you're _pregnant_. And we could both die anytime. I didn't want to have kids yet, not until... after."

She closes her eyes, hides her head in his chest. "I didn't, either. But we're going to. Maybe we should start being parents instead of, you know, this. It wouldn't be good to have fights like this around a baby."

"We always make up quickly," he protests, but it's weak. He looks rather tired.

"But that doesn't mean it's okay to be so violent. I mean, a baby, James. A _baby_. In less than a year."

"It doesn't seem possible."

"Do you ever think..." she hesitates, then shakes her head. "Never mind. Not today."

"What?" He pulls back, looks her in the eye, but she is firm.

"_Not today_. Another day."

He looks at her intensely, making her blush, then nods. "Yeah. I get that."

And he just holds her, and she remembers why she loves him.


	8. power

**Disclaimer: It's JKR's.**

* * *

she begged

i hate when they beg me

it's not going to _change_ anything,

why bother?

i never begged.

**XxX**

not in the orphanage, with **brats** teasing me,

with my stomach growling for food,

with

**b**

**r**

**u**

**i**

**s**

**e**

**s**

staining

my s k i n, thanks to the ugly children

who thought i was insane [and i wasn't, wasn't]

**XxX**

not at hogwarts, when dumbledore hated me

the only human being i have _ever_ admired

and he couldn't look at me without

disgust and disapproval filling his ice eyes, i never,

_never _could impress him.

**XxX**

i didn't even beg when i had to

go back to the orphanage every year,

i listened and obeyed

until i had the power to change it.

**XxX**

so i hate when they beg, because

_what right do they have_? they haven't

seen what i have seen.

no one has.

**XxX**

and yet...

it's strange, i will admit it

something new and inexplicable filled me

when this one begged

[with her _fire_/_smoke_ hair and _jewel _eyes and

and the love and hate and pain and desire i could see in her mind]

i almost wanted to take her away

kill the man, kill the boy,

and _just take her away_

**XxX**

far from her cage, and let her sing to me in the night

and own her, make her mine

and let myself be hers.

**XxX**

and just the **idea** of it made my skin crawl

[but it was _**right**_, it felt _**right**_]

and i wanted her more than i'd ever wanted anything in my life

**XxX**

i _almost_ gave in to that craving

**-to touch her hair, smell her skin, feel her breath-**

but that would give her power

**XxX**

i couldn't give away my power

**XxX**

understand, i _**couldn't**_ give away my power

**XxX**

so i had to kill her

**XxX**

i had to do it

**XxX**

don't you understand?


	9. it's not supposed to be like this

**Disclaimer: JKR has the rights, not meeeee. (p.s. liz if you're reading this... I SANG/TALKED THAT! FOR _YOU!_)**

* * *

it wasn't supposed to **be** like this

it was supposed to _beautiful_

that's the way it always is in fairy tales.

**XxX**

not messy and painful and rushed.

but they say **w a r** does that to you,

makes you scared till you hurry through your life

in case you don't get much of it.

guess you're living proof of that now.

**XxX**

maybe if you had more time, **darling**,

if you weren't so scared that tomorrow

(but it's so _soon_, a shadow looming right in front of you)

could be your very last day.

**XxX**

so you s/h/a/g/g/e/d him

**(dirtylittlesecrets)**

and you're gonna m/a/r/r/y him cause he

got you the ring

and he gave you the kiss

and said **baby girl i'll always be here for you**

not realizing that you were thinking about saying no

**XxX**

he just assumed you had no fears

and he thinks you're ready for the rest of your life

when you're not, you're most definitely **not**

**XxX**

and really you just want to be a seventh-year gryffindor

but now you're engaged

(it sounds so **final**, like a death sentence

it's not supposed to **be** like that)


	10. seasons

**Disclaimer: It belongs to JKR.**

* * *

I always thought her favorite season would be autumn, for the beauty and poetry and honesty, everything drawing in its last breath as October fades away and the wind starts. Or if not autumn, then summer, because summer is heat and fire and strength and passion, just like she was.

But I was wrong. Lily told me three years ago. We were at my place having a bit of wine (we did that a lot, me and Lily. She was my best friend besides James. And yeah, she was pregnant at the time_. I _couldn't stop her from drinking it. I wasn't about to suggest she didn't, I wasn't suicidal!). But anyway, we got to talking about the past. Growing up and everything, how different our lives used to be, how much alike they became. You know. It was something friends did, in those days. But I said to her, "we have the same favorite season, you know."

She looked all surprised. "You like winter? I thought you _hated_ winter."

"Oh, I do," I replied. I was shocked. I'm usually good at understanding people. I'm rarely wrong in my guesses. Maybe there was a Seer somewhere in my family. "I hate it, I mean. I thought you like autumn."

She shook her head. "Autumn is sad. Everything dies, and people cry. Winter is my favorite."

"Why?" I asked. "Doesn't seem like you." I was honestly curious.

"It's hard to explain, kind of. But winter, for me, anyway, it's like peace. It's quiet, in winter. It's like a time to be alone without being lonely." She sounded wistful as she spoke about it, and ran a hand over her stomach. It hurt to see her so sad. It made my lungs ache, my heart swell painfully.

"Why do you..." But I didn't know how to say it.

She smiled, her teeth bright in the semi-darkness of my flat. She was laughing at herself, but bitterly. She hated feeling anything, I knew that. It drove me mad, when she tried to not let herself feel. "I wish he would be a winter baby, that's all. Summer is a harsh season."

It was a sad and harsh conversation, that one. It went on for a while longer. Deep and sad and hard. The kind of conversation I think about a lot, now that I'm here.

But that one in particular... It was the last time we shared wine before her death. Because James got jealous and then there was Harry, the summer baby.

Maybe there was a Seer in her blood too. Cause she always knew things like me.

I miss her. God, I miss her.

And here I am in bloody Azkaban, alone. No James. No Lily. No Remus, who kept me sane. Not even Peter, who I could kill, destroy, for betraying us. Them.

But mostly... Without her. Lily.

Nothing is right without Lily.


	11. obituary

****

**Disclaimer: It's JKR's.**

* * *

_Christopher and Sharon Evans were discovered dead in their home yesterday evening. The Dark Mark was over their house on Stanley Avenue. They had a daughter, Lily Evans, 17, rumored to have defied He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named face-to-face. Evans could not be reached for comment. The Evans also had a Muggle daughter, Petunia Evans._

That's it. My parents, dead. They got four sentences in _The Daily Prophet_, three in _Witch Weekly_, and in _The Quibbler_, and article about how they were secretly vampires.

That's all their lives were worth?

My parents. They're dead.

Dead.


	12. dysfunctional

**Disclaimer: **it's still JKR's, just like every other time i post a story.

**A/N**: The things I write when I'm supposed to be doing classwork during 1st period math x_x lol.

* * *

"I was just thinking, Sirius, and guess what I realized? I've never been in a functional relationship."

"What about James?"

"We're absolutely dysfunctional. The most dysfunctional one I've been in. Except for maybe, you know, Darren."

"I still don't know what you saw in him..."

"You know what? Me either. Don't tell him I said that."

"Blackmail! Anyway, what about James?"

"We're way too extreme. We're always either fighting and screaming or we're passionately romantic. It's very exhausting."

"Yeah. Yeah, I get that."

"Have you?"

"Er. Have I what?"

"You're so drunk! Have you ever had a functional relationship?"

"Don't laugh at me, I'm not drunk. You're drunker than me."

"I don't think drunker is a word."

"It is too. It describes you perfectly."

"Don't laugh at my drunken-ness, I'm amazing."

"Wow, Sirius. Anyway, have you?"

"Um..."

"Oh my God! Have you ever been in a functional relationship?"

"Stop laughing at me. And, um, no. Well, yeah. Actually, no..."

"...Huh?"

"Sort of. With Marlene. We were..."

"I'm sorry. You don't have to - "

"No, it's alright. I'm fine. I just... I miss her, that's all."

"I know how it feels."

"No, Lily, you bloody well don't!"

"Don't yell at me! There's no reason for you to be like that!"

"You_ don't_ know how it feels! Your parents are dead, Lily, that doesn't make you a bloody expert on feelings! She's - She was my girlfriend! You _don't _know what that's like, what it's like to lose your other half. The only one who can keep you sane right now! You don't know!"

"Stop yelling at me!"

"You're not the only one who can hurt!"

"Neither are you!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"See? Even my friendships are messed up!"

"Aw, don't cry, Lily. I'm sorry, I overreacted."

"I know, me too. I shouldn't just assume I know. That I understand."

"I shouldn't assume you don't."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"I think I should go home now."

"Yeah. Bye, Lily."

"Bye, Sirius."


	13. larger than life

**Disclaimer: **JKR owns it.

* * *

"So... what's it like, being in such a romantic relationship?" she asks. And you hold in a sigh, because it's been years since you've had a real conversation with Petunia, and now it's going to end. Because you're going to deny her assumption that it's romantic, and she's going to get mad, and you're going to get mad and everything will be ruined. But you can't lie to her. Not about this, and anyway that would ruin it too.

"It's not that romantic, Petunia," you say, bracing yourself, taking a drink of your cheap beer. (Because unlike James, you can't afford everything you want, and you haven't moved into his place yet, and you're not going to ask for money. And Petunia looked at you like you were _disgusting_ when she saw how small your flat is, but you didn't apologize. And that was strike one.)

"Yes it is. You're so passionate." The envy in her eyes is frustrating. They all think that. "When I was in school I read quite a lot of romance novels. Nothing trashy, you understand. But that's what they were always like. Fighting, then making up, and in an adventurous life. Just like you two. What more is there to want? Vernon and I, we're so normal."

But that's what they never understand. There's a reason why you put off the wedding, why you haven't moved yet. And Petunia asked about it earlier, and all you said was that it's complicated, and she was offended that you couldn't explain, and that was strike two. "There's nothing wrong with normal. Normal is easier. Normal is safe." And even you can hear the trace of bitterness that has crept into your voice at the idea of normalcy.

"Normal isn't safe, it's boring. Look at my life compared to yours, Lily. I'm a housewife. I grocery shop at two in the afternoon on Fridays. I clean my house every morning. I cook meals for Vernon three times a day. I haven't gone out for real in months! I haven't had _sex_ in three weeks!"

You raise your eyebrows. "Tell Vernon that. Maybe he'll want to." You regret the sharp edge in your voice as soon as the words are gone, but Petunia doesn't even notice. Maybe that's strike one for her. Or maybe not.

"But you! I bet you and James dance together. You're fighting evil, saving the world!" Her eyes are bright with longing. "You can do whatever you want. You scream and love and hate and you have that life, that artistic life!"

Your eyes are wide and your jaw is hanging open. You never knew Petunia wanted your life. Who could? Even you don't. "You don't get it, Petunia. Fighting and making up? It's not fun, it's not romantic. It's exhausting. Everyone always thinks that to be larger-than-life is so... so great, so beautiful, and it's _not_! Don't you get it? Doesn't _anybody_ get it?" You're yelling now, angry at the world. But Petunia's not like James; she won't fight back. Instead, she glares at you, thins her lips, and gets up.

"I should have known. You've always been like this. You think it's so hard. But you're the beautiful one. You're the one who's got it all. You wouldn't understand what it's like to have nothing special, to _be_ nothing special." She walks out before you can defend yourself against her accusations.

Because the fact that you're in pain, that you're not as perfect as she wants to think you are? That's always been strike three.

* * *

**A/N: **Ehh. Didn't turn out like I wanted it to. Might rewrite this at some point in the near future. Then again, I might not. I _am _pretty lazy... R&R:)


	14. sisters

**Disclaimer:** JKR IS THE BOMB.

* * *

freak.

f. r. e. a. k.

f/r/e/a/k.

sisters aren't allowed to _hate _each other,

but sometimes you hate Tuney.

_[it's petunia now.]_

and this is one of those times.

cause it's supposed to be _your_ day.

you and sev,

on your way to school,

and now it finally exists for you.

X

_[and look at all these beautiful people,_

_with their beautiful clothes and their beautiful faces and,_

_and their m a g i c a l world]_

X

but instead you're crying in your compartment,

and sev is saying _**it'll be okay, she's just a muggle**_

and you're hitting him, your only friend

cause even if he hates her

she's your sister

and sisters aren't allowed to _hate_ each other.

_**[even though she called you a freak?]**_

_[even though she called me a freak.]_


	15. give yourself some credit

**Disclaimer: **it's still JKR's, just like every other time i post a story.

* * *

it's not like you don't **love** him

it's just that sometimes it's exhausting,

to **have** to love him

just because _you've always belonged together._

X

_**("soulmates, you know?")**_

**_("yeah, i know")_**

from the very first time you met him,

you had one of those feelings

that it was gonna be something

and you were right in the end

X

cause here you are, and it's christmas day and

you're married now

and you've been married for two months

_(and it still feels like a lie)_

_(you still have to pause when you're trying to sign your name)_

X

**_("Lily Potter")_**

**_("Lily Evans Potter")_**

**_("Lily and James Potter")_**

X

and it's just not _fair_

cause you, you weren't gonna get _married_

you weren't gonna have a _family_.

you were gonna graduate Hogwarts

and then you were gonna get away

be a soldier

fight the war

have a _life_.

X

but here you are, opening gifts

with **James Potter**

your _husband. _

laughing and smiling and rubbing your stomach.

X

but _mostly_, you're just feeling guilty

cause all you're thinking about is

_if i hadn't gotten pregnant_

_if i hadn't gotten married_

_if i hadn't, if i hadn't_

_if i'd only escaped_

X

_**("and what kind of christmas gift is that,**_

_**for **__**James Potter****?")**_

_**("but lily, what kind of christmas gift is that,**_

_**for you?")**_


	16. day to day

**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

* * *

L i l y and J a m e s .

they were meant to be, from the very

_start_.

we all could see it. we all watched it happen.

**xXx**

in first year, they teased and fought

in second year, he avoided her studiously, with her _clenched fists_ and _bruised knees _and _big words_

in third year, they were _always _partners in Arithmancy

in fourth year, he asked her to Hogsmeade and she said _no way in hell_

in fifth year, she _h a t e d_ that boy

in sixth year, she _l o v e d_ him

in seventh year, they started the rest of their lives

**xXx**

and we all watched it happen

we watched history _while it was happening_

but back then it was just day-to-day drama

_Lily_and_James_, _James_and_Lily_

simple and easy and

just another Hogwarts thing

**xXx**

we didn't care cause we knew it was coming

they were meant to be

**xXx**

but then they _died._

_but then they d i e d._


	17. venting

**Disclaimer:** JKR.

**A/N:** So, I know I marked this as complete. Because it was, and the last chapter was a good place to end it. But then I just had this idea, and it fits. Even though it doesn't feature Lily, I think it's really a very important piece for this particular story, because it shows how James reacts to her moods. So enjoy:)

* * *

"It just can be really hard sometimes, Sirius," James said, rubbing a hand over his face tiredly as he sipped his coffee. "I mean, I love her. I love her to death. You know that. But she just... she makes it really hard, sometimes."

Sirius sipped his coffee as well, made a face, and poured four or five packets of sugar in it. "How, mate?" He tried the coffee again, scrunched his nose, and poured three more sugars in it. "And how does _anyone_ drink this plain?"

"She's just exhausting. I can't really explain it. She gets in these moods and she won't even listen to me. She's too sad. It's... I can't explain it, Sirius. She just lies there in bed, barely moving. And I try to cheer her up or comfort her. Sometimes I even try to make her mad. Anything to get her to feel again. I can't stand seeing her like that. I just want her to be okay." He ran a hand through his hair. "I need to fix her."

"Maybe you can't. Maybe you should just let her be broken and be there for her," Sirius suggested, putting down his drink in defeat.

"Merlin, Sirius! Quit trying to be wise!" James suddenly shouted, sweeping his friend's drink off the table angrily. "You don't know what it's like! You've never been with a girl like Lily! You've always been in fun, exciting, _easy_ relationships! Don't try to give me advice!" He clenched his fist, then breathed out. "Don't try to understand." He was no longer yelling. "Even I can't."

"Sorry, mate," Sirius replied, shrugging, not the least bit offended. "I'm just trying to help." He waved his wand, repairing his coffee mug and cleaning up the steaming liquid on the floor. The witch who was walking around waitressing glared at the two of them. Sirius shot her a winning smile; she blushed and tucked blonde hair behind her ears, the angry look disappearing.

"And the way she talks sometimes. She says things like, _I'd die without you_, or, _Sometimes I wish I was dead_, or even _I don't deserve to be happy. I deserve to die._ And nothing I say ever cheers her up. I try to tell her that I'm never going to leave her because I love her too much to abandon her like that. And that if she died, so many people would be sad and hurt. Me, Petunia, you, Peter, Marlene, Alice and Frank, all our friends from school and the Order. Her friends from work. But she won't listen." James looked both angry and confused. "And I don't understand why."

Sirius looked at James, his eyes intense. "When she feels like that, James, there _is_ nothing to say that will cheer her up. It's not that she wants to be sad; it's that she can't be happy, literally. I know what she's going through. My mum got like that sometimes, and I do too. It's not something she wants to be feeling. All you can do is be there for her, like I said already. Rub her back, bring her flowers. Don't make her feel guilty for it, though."

"I wouldn't!" James snapped, looking a little irritated.

"Not intentionally," Sirius amended for him. "But you have to watch what you say, or she'll feel it anyway."

James sighed. "Okay, mate. I dunno. I'll try to figure it out."

"You will," Sirius said, grinning. "Now, can we go somewhere else? I don't know why you like coffee, but I'm in the mood for something better. Let's go."

James shook his head and made a face. "Can't. I have to get home. I promised Lily I'd make dinner tonight."

Sirius snorted. "Whipped."

"Obviously. You made a point of that in about second year, if I'm remembering right," James stated, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, but making _dinner_ for her? Come on, man, that right there is serious whippage. You have to admit it," Sirius said, smirking.

"Shut it!" James muttered.

"See ya, mate," Sirius said, laughing.

"See ya."

The two young men stood from their booth. Sirius left through the back door, exiting to a little alleyway behind the cafe in order to Disapparate.

James stood at the booth a moment longer, looking tired and lonely. "I just want to fix her," he suddenly whispered. "I didn't ask for this, I wasn't prepared to be a hero. I just want her to be fixed. I'm sorry. I'm _sorry._"


End file.
